The Importance of Emotional Outlets for Children

 

As a parent, it can be really challenging to watch your child experience distress. We tend to rush to help, to fix it really quickly, and sometimes negate the child’s feelings– intentionally or unintentionally. Watching another in distress, especially when you have a low threshold for discomfort, are empathic (feel others’ feelings) or are feeling taxed or overwhelmed yourself, is painful. 

But these feelings that your child is having need to be felt. Allowing some space around the emotions, though uncomfortable, can be transformative. If we are always in “fix it mode” with our kids, we may be missing an opportunity to let the feeling be to be fully processed. And unprocessed emotions will always come back to haunt us; whether they wear us down emotionally mentally, or cause physical symptoms to appear (stomach ache, headache, tension in muscles, fascia restriction). 

Even in the occupational therapy world, we can place emphasis on being in the “green zone”, or staying regulated, when that is simply not sustainable all the time– for anyone. Another implication is that being in the green zone is better than being in the red zone (dysregulation). While it feels more comfortable to be in the green zone, sometimes processing our emotions brings us into the red zone. I say all of this while knowing that spending *more* time in the green zone IS positive for our health and our emotional regulation. This is simply an invitation to realize that all feelings (and Zones of Regulation) are valid, and modeling this for our children is so important. 

So, how can you integrate this into your family in a way that normalizes all feelings?

1. First of all, make sure that you are regulated, or, calm. When your child is having a dysregulated moment, focus on yourself first so that you can help them most effectively without getting entangled in their emotions. 
2. Listen to your child talk about their feelings, without offering solutions. Simply reflect back to them, like a reporter, what they have said to you–summarizing their experience. Pause, breathe. 
3. Ask them if what would make their body feel good in the moment. If they are unable to answer (since they are likely distressed), offer suggestions. It may be a good idea to create a list of suggestions and have it in a visible place–but make sure to do this in a time of calm to prepare for the heavier moments. Muscle work is regulating, as well as a salt bath, washing face or hands, listening to music, going to a calm space, etc. 
4. Change the scenery. It could be as simple as moving to another room or stepping outside. 
5. Ask about the “roses and thorns” of each day during a shared meal time. This normalizes the challenging as well as the joyful experiences. 
6. Instead of rushing to fix it for them, you can ask your child what they think a solution should be (if a solution is appropriate–remember, there may not be anything to fix other than validating the feelings). This can enhance problem solving, and shows that you trust in them. 
7. Have your child create art, or write about their feelings. If feelings are too intense to address in the moment face to face, consider this as an alternative or a supplement to the processing. Sometimes older children can have a family journal to vent about feelings to parents so that a productive back and forth can occur. 

Taking the time to do this for your child will help them begin to truly self-regulate their emotions. And just remember that this is a process, and it may take time. Begin to practice as a family now; it is a lifelong skill that will serve them as they grow.