Safety First

Children need to have a sense of safety before they can engage, explore, and connect with others across different environments. In the fast paced, on demand, high-expectation-of output kind of world that we are in, it’s an important angle to consider: “does my child feel safe?” and even a step before that, “do I feel safe?”. 

With a lack of perceived safety, we all can get stuck in a fear response: the very primitive reflexive responses of “freeze”, where one can’t act, respond, or engage to the demands presented (this is linked to the Fear Paralysis Reflex, or, FPR). We can get triggered into creating safety for ourselves with “fight” or “flight”; by attempting to fight and/or run away from the situation (this is linked to the Moro reflex). 

When in a state of fear, where lack of safety is perceived, we cannot access the higher brain centers that support learning and connections. When we do feel safe, we can better engage in exploration, socializing with peers, accessing our creativity, the willingness to make mistakes and try again, and even the ability to digest food (this could be a factor if your child brings home an uneaten lunch, even if its a favorite meal).

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs is a model that was presented in the mid 20th century as a way to acknowledge a heirarchy of collective societal needs. Physiological Needs sit at the bottom of the pyramid; with the most basic elements of biological survival: food, air, water, sleep, etc. The second level up is Safety: security, health, stability of environment, etc. All of these things create the foundation for the levels above: Love and Belonging, Esteem, and ultimately Self-Actualization. 

If we look at the ancient study of the energy systems in our body through Ayurveda and the chakra system, the base of the 7 chakras is the “root chakra”, also referred to as the first chakra. The root chakra is all about safety, feeling grounded, and connected to the Earth. The other chakras )ground up) include the sacral chakra (creativity, joy), solar plexus (independence, willpower, strength, individuation), heart chakra (emotions, love, compassion, bridge to higher chakras), throat chakra (our ability to speak our truth, advocate, express ourselves), third eye chakra (our perception of the unseen, intuition, knowing, seeing, mental capacity), and finally the crown chakra (our connection to things outside of ourselves, engagement with higher realms, collective consciousness, higher self). 

As someone who has worked in both the medical and energetic arenas, I cannot emphasize enough the importance of safety, having our needs met, and feeling grounded. If we consider Maslow’s Heirarchy of Needs, it is possible to skip the “developmental” steps, but ultimately, without a stable or connected base or sense of safety, life may feel more challenging, more cumbersome. We might feel sabotaged, not have the mental or emotional bandwidth to engage, need frequent breaks, and more. 

So, how then, can we create a sense of safety for our children so that they can feel confident to explore the world?

First, start with yourself. Check your own energy before supporting your child. Are your needs met? Do you need to take some deep breaths, move your body, shake it out, drink some water, or have a  snack? Pay attention to your regulation needs before helping or connecting with your child. They pick up on all of your energy. Many sensitive, “sensory” children are adept at reading their environments and the people within them to scan for safety, especially if there is a history of trauma. 

• Having basic needs met. Access to food, water, sleep.
  • This can be tricky for children with ARFID who resist foods; try supplementation, taking baby steps with trying and engaging with food. Work with a dietician. 
  • Children who have sleep issues; try limiting screens a couple of hours before bed, using magnesium (discuss with your pediatrician), salt baths, and getting plenty of physical outlets during the day. 
• Having access to physical contact, emotional support, and engagement with loved ones. This is so important.
  • If your child has separation anxiety, take time to comfort them versus forcing them to separate. If you travel, make time for video calls, leave little notes, and spend time with your children when you are home.
  • If your child is a teen or resists contact or gets into heated arguments with you, offer a family communication journal to communicate back and forth with. This simple task can remove the emotional intensity that face to face interactions can spark.
  • Offer tactile input through hugs, massage, and other forms of touch that are tolerated. A weighted blanket and body socks can also provide input if they don’t prefer touch. 
  • Be mindful of sensory needs. Maybe your child releases through talking, or playing, or moving their bodies. Try to tune in to what they need. You can always ask them what they need; they might surprise you!
• Make time for uninterrupted connection. No phones, no tablets. Playing, building forts, reading or telling stories, creating, walking or hiking. With everyone’s busy and packed schedules, even 15 minutes of uninterrupted connection time can be incredibly supportive. 
• Rhythmic body tapping: this can be done intuitively. This is deeply settling for the nervous system. If your child is actively in OT at AboutPlay, you can ask your child’s therapist to show you a technique. 
• Eating grounding foods like protein and root vegetables.

So, the next time you are at school drop off, or a party, and your child is having a hard time entering or engaging, set them up for success. Get them to a playground to allow for some body movement before the activities, walk or bike to school if possible. Make sure that they have access to food and water. Tell them that they are safe, and that you believe in them. Make a plan to bail early if they are going to an event (such as a party, play date, sports arena game or a live show).

Creating strategies and support, including having a “plan B” helps the body to feel calm, and promotes a sense of safety. This goes a long way for a path to independence, self esteem, and eventually expression and actualization.