The Power of Reframing Experiences for Your Child

As a parent, I completely understand (and have experienced, multiple times) just how challenging it is to witness your child struggling. Whether it is academically or socially, parenting a child going through hardship can trigger our own wounds, and, even with the best intentions, can send us into a reflexive response (fight, flight, freeze, or fawn) even in finding a “solution”. 

We may want to go immediately into fix it mode. We may feel angry and want to address it with another parent or educator involved. We may want to bury our head and let our partner deal with it, possibly because it’s triggering our own wounds that have not fully healed. 

Having my own children experience life (especially the painful parts) certainly brought up my old wounds as I witnessed them experiencing similar things that I did, that were really difficult. I think, even in the very early realization of what’s going on with our kids, it’s good to look at ourselves and our own responses as well as our children’s. While listening and supporting our children, it is very important to take the opportunity to get support to feel through our own pain and get any necessary support. 

There is a lot of chaos in the world right now. When things in the external feel chaotic, is tends to trigger our own unhealed wounds. We may be more reactive, sensitive, or self-punishing. Our sensitive kids are certainly feeling this; even when we keep news to a minimum, and do our best to shield them of the harshness of reality. It’s just sort of, “in the background”. 

It is so helpful to first listen to our children. You will likely hear a self sabotaging, or negative voice emerge about it. If this happens, it is a great opportunity for a reframe. But first, it’s important to listen and reflect back to them what they are saying (in a neutral voice). Validate their feelings, and then offer a different lens to view the situation through. This reframing can help stop the negative self talk, and unnecessary thought loops that can arise from challenging situations. It can be incredibly empowering for your child. 

Here are some step by step things to try when your child is experiencing a challenging situation:

1. Notice your reaction to their experience. Are you going into fight, flight, freeze or fawn? Slow down. Have them repeat some details. Breathe. Breathe again. Take these moments to ground your own energy and calm your system.
2. Change the scenery. Ideally, go for a walk, or get outside into the garden. Move to another room. This simple action is incredibly effective for getting a new perspective. These actions help shift the visual system and also the body (if moving or going for a walk) which can immediately have a positive neurological impact.
3. Listen–without offering a fix. Embody the role of a reporter; repeat back the details. 
4. Validate any associated emotions. This is simple, but often skipped. 
5. Encourage a growth mindset. Instead of “I can’t”, encourage “I’ll try”. 
6. Get curious by asking if there is anything that your child could have done differently. It is OK if they cannot think of anything. 
7. Offer your own perspectives and stories to help provide examples. Children usually love to hear these stories; of how we also struggled, and shifted perspectives. This is a great tool also if your child is stuck. It will often help them to understand and be able to shift their own perspective.
8. Role paying can be helpful to fully map out how to handle challenging situations. This is especially effective for children who have any motor planning/praxis challenges. Literally, get up, move around, and play a part. Real time practice can really help–it’s like theatrical blocking (when actors memorize lines when moving around the stage or set) and helps lock in the memory.

In summary, tend to any wounds that you experience when your child is going through something challenging. It’s an opportunity for us to reframe our own painful experiences. Pause, and notice any inclinations to go into “fix it” mode. Breathe. Listen and validate your child. Meet the situation with curiosity. Offer your own stories and how you handled it. Reframing can develop the ability to take on various perspectives, and also the ability to move into more of a growth mindset.