Do you feel at a loss with how to help your child, especially if they have been struggling for a while? Do you have a tendency to get overwhelmed easily? If so, you are not alone. This is a problem that many parents face when their child (or children) are going through emotional, behavioral, and/or sensory challenges. So many times, as parents, we look to “fix” problems that are children are having. We pour resources, time, and energy into helping them. Into “fixing” problems in order to make their life–and the life of the family unit, in many cases–easier. What if there is another layer to helping our children that is just outside of our awareness as parents?
Over 29 years, I have witnessed (as an occupational therapist) parents struggling to meet the needs of their children, who are at their wits end themselves. And for 21 of those years, I have been a parent myself. What I have observed and experienced, is that the parents that take the time to get support for themselves (in a number of ways), seem to positively impact their children’s nervous system regulation. Another way to name this is co-regulation.
The National Institutes of Health (NIH) defines co-regulation as operating “from both behavioral (affective and cognitive) and biological (hormonal and nervous system) levels” (e.g., Bornstein and Esposito, 2023). Behavioral examples can include the tone of your voice, the openness of your physical posture, and the idea of using more presence and listening, over talking. Biological examples can include autonomic entrainment, such as described in Polyvagal Theory (e.g. Porges, 2022) of Stephen Porges (humans in close proximity attune to one another’s autonomic systems), neural synchrony (mirror neurons and neuron coupling to match patterns), and amygdala dampening and oxytocin release (creating warm vocal tones, and sustaining eye contact can boost oxytocin and reduce fear response/amygdala reaction).
So, what does all this mean, realistically?
- When your child is in a stress response, take a few moments to calm yourself down before helping your child. I often suggest allowing your child to see you get regulated by taking deep breaths, slowing down, and even saying “I just need a few deep breaths before I come to help you”. Reducing extraneous environmental stimulation like lighting and noise, is also very helpful and effective.
- Seek support for yourself when your cup is empty. Therapy, inner child work, regular exercise, journaling, eating a healthful diet, getting adequate sleep, “tapping out” with your spouse or co-parent when you need more support, scheduling social time with other adults, and being in nature are all incredibly supportive ways to get your needs met. Your child(ren) and family will feel this, as well.
Many times, we spend the better part of an hour helping children to achieve a more regulated nervous system, through our playful approach, connection, and sensory + reflex integration in our O.T. sessions–only to send children home to an unregulated family system.
Any efforts that you take to help yourself, will ultimately help your child, and your entire family. Caring for yourself as a parent changes the landscape of your home. Your children will have a better chance for nervous system regulation through your own regulation. I have witnessed this for many families as an occupational therapist, and have experienced this as a parent.
Bornstein MH, Esposito G. Coregulation: A Multilevel Approach via Biology and Behavior. Children (Basel). 2023 Jul 31;10(8):1323. doi: 10.3390/children10081323. PMID: 37628322; PMCID: PMC10453544.
Porges SW. Polyvagal Theory: A Science of Safety. Front Integr Neurosci. 2022 May 10;16:871227. doi: 10.3389/fnint.2022.871227. PMID: 35645742; PMCID: PMC9131189.
Kate Drummond, OTR/L
Kate received her degree in Occupational Therapy in January 1997 from Keuka College, New York. Kate has worked in hospitals (adult and pediatric) including Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta at Egleston, outpatient clinics, and in the natural environment. Kate started AboutPlay in 2003. She is an intuitive empath, and has always had a passion for holistic healing. She has trained in a number of holistic clinical modalities including aromatherapy, reflexology, meditation, and yoga.
